Sunday, 26 August 2012

Pretty Girls

i hate this one statement- ' your so pretty. Why don't  you find a husband and get married" What the Fuck- is my reaction- ok, listen- yes i'm pretty- i get it, but that doesn't defined me-  growing up, i always had a comment made about how i look- i don't mean to sound shallow, but i know. Well i am not the prettiest girl, i am just normal. I have a few great features and besides all that, i am not that indefinable rare beauty- i'm normal pretty-The point is, i couldn't care less- Every family gathering i'd get these stupid comments- I hate it- My brother always made it a point to never bring it up, he always told me i was smart ,very tactful or funny.He'd give me multiude of different compliments, ranging on the all my endearing facades.   Compliments, yes, but nothing to do with my looks- As i grew older, i noticed how, my aunts would douse my cousins with compliments on how pretty they- As i've watched my cousins grow, they seems so superficial- they believe they are truly gorgeous - what they fail to realize is beauty isn't your looks but who you are- it has nothing to do with how  prefect or well a outfit is put together. They walk about with a princess air and prance in their steps. Disillusioned, thinking everyone is under their spell - What is absent from there gaze, is the countless laughter or hackle, that go, unnoticed.My opinion is to never tell a young girl, they are pretty, the rest of the world will,in due time- Girls have a ridiculous hard time, realizing that they are funny and oblivious in realizing that they are made up of so many more magnitude of personal traits- But as a society, we tend to concentrate on what's flesh- how much skin can be shown in one outfit, act like a little bimbo and have all the undue attention you want- Have you actually sat down and counted how many commercials there are of scandalous clad young women?Whom are  used to sell a product or a service- from beer to shoes-anything or everything. Girls, women are constantly bombarded with the thought of being pretty will make them popularity or full fill any desires they crave. As i got older, i hated these comments, so i gained a bit of weight- funny thing is i never thought it would get out of control- but it did- So now all those comments i got and hated fluctuated from 'you so pretty ' to you have  "a pretty face"! i think its funny- i use to get lustful look when i would wait at the bus stop, from  young and old men- but that stopped- i was secretly loving it- my family made me feel shameless about the weight gain- in there eyes i was no longer worth the time to actually have a real conversation, but to be demean- i can't even exaggerate on how many times i'd come home and just fall apart- but i got through it- i wanted people to see me, who i am. To see- how funny and what kind of twisted sense of humour i have- realize the copious amounts of personal traits i posses. Regardless all that, everyone only noticed the weight- i felt under valued and invisible. I'd get the ' your quirky ' comment- as thought not to say i'm funny but jut odd- thank you world!- I didn't mind that much, honestly i find family relentless comments, a lot more destructive than what a passer by would say- but in my mind, the weight was a sort of shield, it allowed me to filter out, whom really liked me, for me- who was a gracious friend, and whom understood, who i am from the inside. So when i was injured i finally got the time to  start excising again- i had a strong humble friend of mind, started telling me in a passionate way, what i needed to hear- She never made me feel less than nothing and i knew it came from a loving place-  So we began working out, little by little. No lies, i would give up so easily- i break out in a sweat within seconds and she would cheer me on, and push me to work harder. She took me by surprised, constantly  scheduling  workout times. Without her, i would have never had the start or motivation to continue on. I lost my first 25pounds on my own- No body noticed, i guessing it was because i was so big to start of with. But as i continued on, another  compassionated friend languished a different kind of workout and diet program. I, now had more friends whom cared for me- than what i looked like. This July, was my older sisters wedding- and all those family members whom laugh about me (Arun mama) and would single me out, or when ever i  sat down with a plate of food, made me feel like pig- i watched as there jaws dropped open- i watched, as they fell hushed, and the only thing i heard was murmurs and whispers- a part of me was deliriously happy and finally felt that inside of me, in par with the outside. This quickly dissolved- i've never changed who i was, i am exactly the same- i was a little demoralized. These uncles and aunts wanted to talk and  have a real conversation with me, because of how i looked- That day, i wasn't singled out or dimwitted half baked girl- i changed my size, and all of a sudden, i am valued and appreciated- As my sisters wedding progressed, i watched, all these interaction my family was having with me, and i just wanted to leave- i couldn't- i was the hostess-  i got through that night- by constantly texting a dear friend of mine. So today, i see my co workers, and they are flabbergasted at my weight lost.  To me, their reaction to seeing me, just make me feel uncomfortable- i just hide- i wave my hands like its nothing! - i've been skinny before and its so much responsiblites- i don't like comments- 'your so pretty' because a jumble of aspect instantly pop to mind- and i'm left with that feeling- why didn't you like me for me,before??? Weight is only MY mask i held up so proudly, it protected me from unwanted friendship and made me realize that there was more than that pretty face. Those whom never took the time, i have no compassion for- i have never told a young girl she is fat, or was a little less than prefect- i've always made it a point to be kindred and sweeter to them, because i know the fight they have up against them- especially in our family- where skinny pretty girls, who are married and have children are considered a "somebody". So when i hear your 'so pretty', excuse me if i barf, just a little. I'm so much more-