Wednesday, 5 September 2012


I've just had a dream, awoke crying- But a happy cry. I saw my brother. My sweet little brother- it was the strangest thing. I haven't seen him as much, yet again i haven't  thought of him as often- My funny brother was my humour, my heart my courage-As the years passed- and i can't believe i am actually acknowledging passage of time- i've see him less- I'm a little perplexed, because when i awoke i saw him as he's always been , strong, tall, impeccable skin and gracious humble wide smile, its infectious- you can't help but smile back- his leg muscles as strong as always, his strut and aura- was maginificanted- i saw him on the beach, running towards me with the greats smile and the sun shaun behide him. i could tell we were @ a foreign beach-  i just awoke with a cry, it was a savage cry mixed with a million emotions- i saw him smile and my heart stopped- i haven't seen him like this in forever- no trace of cancer- it was as if he never had it, full head of hair- spiked up as always- fashionable- he's always been a handsome boy- chiselled one dimple and cleft chin, all prefect- no trace of hodgkins , no sign of leukaemia skin. Just him so happy- i've missed him so- i remember thinking- oh non - its only a few seconds- something about us saying or telepathically talking about how to see each other again- my lil brother was memorized by Houdini, and how he had said to his wife he would find a way to communicate back from the other side- He had said this to all of us- i just remember him saying, communicating something about picture- and everything else is vague- i just remember waking up- happy and sad. I saw him after so long, i miss him much too much- i should asked how he was- where is he, i love him- turbulent of emotions- i just wanna see him again, soon and more often-


I'm infatuated- i've been intrigued and enchanted by a temptress- i've kept my distance in pass few years- mostly because i just didn't know how to handle it-i felt as thought…. i wasn't good enough. I still don't think i'm bright, to have  captivating conversation with her- She incredibility cultured. She can make you laugh at a whim and mesmerize you,so much so- that you'd believe the sky is really red instead of blue- She can spellbind you in a countless song from a arrant of genre and serenade any ballet in french-she simply one in a million. She stood up for me when other decide to beguile and besiege -i never knew till few years passed- She is humble and is so bold. She a has a wick streak- and doesn't allow anyone to get close to her, so she attacks and belittles- she say outrageous things- only to keep others away- i've observed her for much tooooooooo long-  But recently months, i become consumed- i can't help but know where she is , what she doing or where she's been- What makes everything worst is, we have common friends- so all the information i want is at hand-Or that fantastic bum keeps me pretty updated.  But i've also bleed- she isn't really interested in me, but a younger taller version- i can't help but wonder if my infatuation intensified,cause of it. - Yep, i'm a tad strange- i was actually having a riveting conversation with a common friend- where i just can't help but gush and squeal, when her name is brought up, and we seem to always have the similar personal problems- and that,makes me smile. She's almost a kindred spirit, but she clueless-  She also into astrology- which is the downfall- in her conviction,  our signs do not match- and ALSO the fact she interested in  some else-( i have to continually remind myself that- because if i don't i start to day dream- and that not wise-) My friend last night was about to tell me bad news, i could tell- we were talking about  my temptress and she know, even if i can't admit it-- She began by saying i don't think- and i had to cut the conversation short and bid goodnight- I guess a massive disillusional part of me, is enjoying, this secret crush. I love the butterflies and rosy coloured outlook i have- i have a lighter step and can't help but smile- she makes me feel invincible- and i like that feeling- call me naive and selfish, its ok- i enjoy being this way-  I'm not ready yet. To have that rug pulled out of my feet. Bu, because i am that practical person-  i've started to mentally prepare myself- i gotta get myself in a relationship soon- cause this cozy feeling i have- isn't  suppose to last as long as it has-  and i'd rather have the true genuine emotions- then this, very besot tantalizing, obsession - i say this with the sweetest and mysterious smile- i can't help it LOL- she dazzles and bewitches me

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Pretty Girls

i hate this one statement- ' your so pretty. Why don't  you find a husband and get married" What the Fuck- is my reaction- ok, listen- yes i'm pretty- i get it, but that doesn't defined me-  growing up, i always had a comment made about how i look- i don't mean to sound shallow, but i know. Well i am not the prettiest girl, i am just normal. I have a few great features and besides all that, i am not that indefinable rare beauty- i'm normal pretty-The point is, i couldn't care less- Every family gathering i'd get these stupid comments- I hate it- My brother always made it a point to never bring it up, he always told me i was smart ,very tactful or funny.He'd give me multiude of different compliments, ranging on the all my endearing facades.   Compliments, yes, but nothing to do with my looks- As i grew older, i noticed how, my aunts would douse my cousins with compliments on how pretty they- As i've watched my cousins grow, they seems so superficial- they believe they are truly gorgeous - what they fail to realize is beauty isn't your looks but who you are- it has nothing to do with how  prefect or well a outfit is put together. They walk about with a princess air and prance in their steps. Disillusioned, thinking everyone is under their spell - What is absent from there gaze, is the countless laughter or hackle, that go, unnoticed.My opinion is to never tell a young girl, they are pretty, the rest of the world will,in due time- Girls have a ridiculous hard time, realizing that they are funny and oblivious in realizing that they are made up of so many more magnitude of personal traits- But as a society, we tend to concentrate on what's flesh- how much skin can be shown in one outfit, act like a little bimbo and have all the undue attention you want- Have you actually sat down and counted how many commercials there are of scandalous clad young women?Whom are  used to sell a product or a service- from beer to shoes-anything or everything. Girls, women are constantly bombarded with the thought of being pretty will make them popularity or full fill any desires they crave. As i got older, i hated these comments, so i gained a bit of weight- funny thing is i never thought it would get out of control- but it did- So now all those comments i got and hated fluctuated from 'you so pretty ' to you have  "a pretty face"! i think its funny- i use to get lustful look when i would wait at the bus stop, from  young and old men- but that stopped- i was secretly loving it- my family made me feel shameless about the weight gain- in there eyes i was no longer worth the time to actually have a real conversation, but to be demean- i can't even exaggerate on how many times i'd come home and just fall apart- but i got through it- i wanted people to see me, who i am. To see- how funny and what kind of twisted sense of humour i have- realize the copious amounts of personal traits i posses. Regardless all that, everyone only noticed the weight- i felt under valued and invisible. I'd get the ' your quirky ' comment- as thought not to say i'm funny but jut odd- thank you world!- I didn't mind that much, honestly i find family relentless comments, a lot more destructive than what a passer by would say- but in my mind, the weight was a sort of shield, it allowed me to filter out, whom really liked me, for me- who was a gracious friend, and whom understood, who i am from the inside. So when i was injured i finally got the time to  start excising again- i had a strong humble friend of mind, started telling me in a passionate way, what i needed to hear- She never made me feel less than nothing and i knew it came from a loving place-  So we began working out, little by little. No lies, i would give up so easily- i break out in a sweat within seconds and she would cheer me on, and push me to work harder. She took me by surprised, constantly  scheduling  workout times. Without her, i would have never had the start or motivation to continue on. I lost my first 25pounds on my own- No body noticed, i guessing it was because i was so big to start of with. But as i continued on, another  compassionated friend languished a different kind of workout and diet program. I, now had more friends whom cared for me- than what i looked like. This July, was my older sisters wedding- and all those family members whom laugh about me (Arun mama) and would single me out, or when ever i  sat down with a plate of food, made me feel like pig- i watched as there jaws dropped open- i watched, as they fell hushed, and the only thing i heard was murmurs and whispers- a part of me was deliriously happy and finally felt that inside of me, in par with the outside. This quickly dissolved- i've never changed who i was, i am exactly the same- i was a little demoralized. These uncles and aunts wanted to talk and  have a real conversation with me, because of how i looked- That day, i wasn't singled out or dimwitted half baked girl- i changed my size, and all of a sudden, i am valued and appreciated- As my sisters wedding progressed, i watched, all these interaction my family was having with me, and i just wanted to leave- i couldn't- i was the hostess-  i got through that night- by constantly texting a dear friend of mine. So today, i see my co workers, and they are flabbergasted at my weight lost.  To me, their reaction to seeing me, just make me feel uncomfortable- i just hide- i wave my hands like its nothing! - i've been skinny before and its so much responsiblites- i don't like comments- 'your so pretty' because a jumble of aspect instantly pop to mind- and i'm left with that feeling- why didn't you like me for me,before??? Weight is only MY mask i held up so proudly, it protected me from unwanted friendship and made me realize that there was more than that pretty face. Those whom never took the time, i have no compassion for- i have never told a young girl she is fat, or was a little less than prefect- i've always made it a point to be kindred and sweeter to them, because i know the fight they have up against them- especially in our family- where skinny pretty girls, who are married and have children are considered a "somebody". So when i hear your 'so pretty', excuse me if i barf, just a little. I'm so much more-

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Uncharted Trail

So this is the situation- i got injured at work and have just been re-discovering- what it is to actually have a life outside of work- It's the strangest feeling- to be sleeping in you own bed every night- no hotel rooms, no 4 hrs sleep to run off to next shift to another city- no bruised, from being tossed around- no quick hello to fellow colleagues you see only in passing- 
It sure is a strange- 
i've never seen how quickly life just passed me by- just because i was busy with work- literally- i'd run home, sleep 8hrs if i was lucky- do my chores try and see my few friends, and get ready for work- disappear for a few night and be back here in toronto- and the whole cycle would start all over again- i've come to see what the other half lives like. Its such a novel idea to me- waking up and actually enjoying a really hot tempered coffee, gulping each sip and actually tasting it-unusual to have so much time, and allocating it, in any way i please-of course i alway include my physio - thought out my day- But walking the toronto streets, shopping at normal hours and not minding, the wait in line- not rushing like a manic on the highways- its just a stress free way, of enjoying life-
needless to say- i've come to enjoy my 3 months off work- only to be caged, in to doing light duties- this is where the dungeon like atmosphere- who knew- office workers made snide comments each time a crew member came to sign in- who knew, the needless decapitation of gossip that surrounded each co worker- seems like everyone is viewed with a different colour- i am sure, these comments are extended to me- my naivety bubble was busted- i happily love strolling into the office with my fellow crew members were we laugh and sign in to start our shifts, but today- i've learned the moment i or any of my colleagues walk away- damaging comments are said to whom ever is present- its sad to see that this what it comes down to- you see my whole work life has to do with this wonderful company that i came to love.My co-workers are my support, and the laughter i depend on everyday- we all become very depended on each other- because of our long hours and little outside life- when you sleep in hotels partially ever night, and hardly ever see your friends or family, work is all you have left.
So during my so called sabbatical from work- i've tried to re connect with those lost friendship or  family time- its al little difficult- so i've decided to re kindled new friendship- what a faux pas- that another treacherous trail- but i can't give up- i've decided to start really small- it hasn't lead to anyone asking me to go for coffee or  even a inviting me  to anything- but i have no where else to turn- so i am attacking this game plan head on- eventually i can accumulate a few new friends. Its just a matter of time, and a lot of luck-

Thursday, 26 January 2012

The Unwanted 

Ok, so nothing in life really works.But we all have to take chances- I always have the hardest time making friends- but i took a chance, and i made a friend-but its gone all a rye. i'm not sure if my emotions are making this worst or this is reality-- but i'm standing at the edge of oblivion.
I take a million decision which lead to a sharp turn that lead to another unmapped situation or purely different conclusion. My mild manner
 side is always titeringly making the lightest of each outcome- but my insane side always makes life events into a scenario of war- its like every trivial event turns to a sweeping wave- as a solider entering 
a barrack jumping across the traps manoeuvring over grenades and sharp shooter-What my mind thinks and what actually comes out of my mouth are 2 completely different thing- maybe i am the living breathing girl version of Jackcal and Hide- My latest detrimental escapade has landed me in some interesting hurricane weather- where i'm standing outside watching the volatile wind hitting every abstract object- as it grow increasingly closer to me- So i just found out, my closest friend, no longer wants me in her life-  KABAM- the bomb's goes off- its just like being knocked off the gold medal podium pole. She no longer wants to have any communication with me ,what so ever- imagine a media black out. Because this is exactly how i feel. Looking to watch t.v but no sounds or the pivotal HD channels to speak of-- its eerie-. She decide to freeze me out- over two months ago-. With no concrete  explanation- i tried communicating with her, last month- no answer till today She decided to send a text message 2 months later- just telling to be cordiale and professional. How is this even possible- when has she come into some neurotic conclusion to something that as happened that i have no knowledge of- i feel like the mayan civilization who evaporated in thin air- Some event has taken place- she has drawn her own postulation, and decided to throw me out like a outdated  pair of nine west pumps-how can a individual who's so dear to me one moment, decide's that you are no longer worth their time-.A diamond takes millions  of year to develop- that what friendship is- they metamorphose to rubies, emeralds and sapphires-  but in mid transformation she no longer has the interest to indulged in the after glow- my hyde personality is madding with fire and erupting lava- i feel  like yelling at the slightest sight of her- but then i will look like the madding women i am- and i'd rather be Hyde- i just want to know what was it that she thinks i've done- but as elusive as quantum energy- i don't think, i'll ever know. I've become discarded.Welcome to the world of the unwanted.

Saturday, 10 December 2011


Sometimes in life- i feel alone- todays one of those days for me- i've never really been the one who's had a ton of friends- nor have i always needed someone to be around me
i regard myself as the a independent  traveling gypsy- I never hanged around anyone too long- i've come to a realization, that best friends are a let down.
even when i was younger- i did have a best friend- Her name was Martine Vadebonnecouer. We were inseparable- i'd sleep over and she wold do the same.I grew up eating at the kitchen table- and her @ my house- even when we moved away- she would come vista me- on a hour long drive- just because she wanted to be with me- It always made me feel so special and wanted- i could count on her for ever thing- she did everything with- me- we went swimming in the public parks.She even attenated religious events with me, i've got millions of pictures of her in our family album. This friendship started when i was 5 yrs old and lasted till i was in my mid 20's. We all lived different lifes, and too many thinks changed. 
As i grew up, i don't know why but i've always had the most difficult time in just having a friend. i regard a friendship as a scared thing- Meant to be valued. Now that i am i older- i do crave the surrounding of others. This why, i am so grateful for my job- i am surrounded by 300 people everyday- they are strangers whom i get to have a pleasant conversation with- or appease when they are upset- for that 6 hr or 12 hr day- i get to form a short un attached friendship with them- they don't expect a thing from me, most of the time they see me as a nobody- but sometimes they remember the act of kindness i have inflicted upon time, or a caring words or gesture that was done.

Because of the type of work i do- i am surround by a different employee everyday- Any how this is besides the point- i work, 10 to 12 or 18 hrs a day.So basically you get to know each other pretty well.The  point is this- i have always had the hardest time making friends- i don't know if its cause of my skin colour or the way i look or just plain my character. So i cherish a friend when i actually have one- Since moving here- its been really difficult making a true friendship. Someone to talk to, or just going shopping. It taken me almost 2 yrs for people realize that i am not a snob- and so i met my best friend  at work- will so i though i did- She already had a close friend at work- but i always called her my best friend- Recently a few interesting episodes have taken place at work, and i basically was there to support and pick the pieces for this one girl who is linked to another friend and lastly to my best friend- to make it simpler- i was there for my best friend- thick and thin- when her closet friend ignored her to completely disappearing on her- That one person throws her a bone, and she ditched me- gone to get togethers and basically i'm forgotten last minute. I 'm peeved because for 10days i haven't heard a word- yes i realize this sounds like a jealous girl fight- but i think i've vested to much on my best friend thinking that one day i would actually be that to her, in turn. So it's no big surprise that -  now  even more rumours  are flying about me at work and basically it pretty petty, and i figure those who do know me, will say something- otherwise, i won't say a thing- i doubt it, if any one will be defending me. I guess the moral of my story is- never truly believe that one friend is a your best friend and looks out for you- just, be your own biggest fan. Because that the only person you can truly count on. I am sad to sad that i am closing  chapter on this because i don't like to made a fool of- and i have learned my lesson- friends at work is a vile mixtures- you never truly know when some will change on you.

Monday, 6 June 2011

what is friendship?

As the years pass and i get older, finding friends seems to be such a ambiguous concept. When i was younger, my parents help me out, to introduce me to other, and made play dates. Throughout our academic career we meet new people go to clubs and  abundance of friends seem endless. Then some of us, well me basically, started working at a very young age. I rarely went to school. I worked  odd shift, life began to taking place. Money became tight, and i knew i had to keep working. Now i am in that cycle where, i just work everyday. Once upon a time, i had a few friends. I would go to 5 a 7, which basically is a designated drinking time.Have Dinners with friends and  girls night out. But slowly, as i got older, my friends disappeared. Most got married or had long term relationship. We all know what happens when a women is head over heels over a man- she deserts all her friends! my circle of friends got smaller. I got into fight with some and  basically cut them out of my life. Then i moved away- and just kept working. I just realized how my once hand full of friends has dwindled down to just a little less than a  few. Those  i actually care about are at work- and we all have different shift and only see each other once in awhile. What i'm getting at is- today i had the weirdest conversation with, what i think is sorta of my friend- but i'm questioning it. I called to say hi.Well i was lonely here- and she started calling me" her lover"- ? now- i'm confused- cause no  way in hell she would know-  nor would i want her to know- as our conversation progressed - i just was appalled at her comments- saying that i should take care of her?? i cannot understand where any of this is coming from? i am not close to this person nor it is someone i wanna close to-  I just call her once in awhile to shoot the breeze. What ever bridge of friendship i had with this person - is quickly disappearing in a fog.  I believe in independence, i work hard for all i have acquired- i will only share it with the person i share my life with and parents. i still cannot understand how she had the audacity to even say such a thing.  I will not give her any thing i invested nor can i still comprehend these statement made. I've deleted her number and i will not be calling her, i don't care how alone i feel some times. Maybe cause this person was high, but even at that, its no excuses-  again this circle of fews is turning out very small- anyone out there in need of a friend?