Sunday, 26 August 2012

Pretty Girls

i hate this one statement- ' your so pretty. Why don't  you find a husband and get married" What the Fuck- is my reaction- ok, listen- yes i'm pretty- i get it, but that doesn't defined me-  growing up, i always had a comment made about how i look- i don't mean to sound shallow, but i know. Well i am not the prettiest girl, i am just normal. I have a few great features and besides all that, i am not that indefinable rare beauty- i'm normal pretty-The point is, i couldn't care less- Every family gathering i'd get these stupid comments- I hate it- My brother always made it a point to never bring it up, he always told me i was smart ,very tactful or funny.He'd give me multiude of different compliments, ranging on the all my endearing facades.   Compliments, yes, but nothing to do with my looks- As i grew older, i noticed how, my aunts would douse my cousins with compliments on how pretty they- As i've watched my cousins grow, they seems so superficial- they believe they are truly gorgeous - what they fail to realize is beauty isn't your looks but who you are- it has nothing to do with how  prefect or well a outfit is put together. They walk about with a princess air and prance in their steps. Disillusioned, thinking everyone is under their spell - What is absent from there gaze, is the countless laughter or hackle, that go, unnoticed.My opinion is to never tell a young girl, they are pretty, the rest of the world will,in due time- Girls have a ridiculous hard time, realizing that they are funny and oblivious in realizing that they are made up of so many more magnitude of personal traits- But as a society, we tend to concentrate on what's flesh- how much skin can be shown in one outfit, act like a little bimbo and have all the undue attention you want- Have you actually sat down and counted how many commercials there are of scandalous clad young women?Whom are  used to sell a product or a service- from beer to shoes-anything or everything. Girls, women are constantly bombarded with the thought of being pretty will make them popularity or full fill any desires they crave. As i got older, i hated these comments, so i gained a bit of weight- funny thing is i never thought it would get out of control- but it did- So now all those comments i got and hated fluctuated from 'you so pretty ' to you have  "a pretty face"! i think its funny- i use to get lustful look when i would wait at the bus stop, from  young and old men- but that stopped- i was secretly loving it- my family made me feel shameless about the weight gain- in there eyes i was no longer worth the time to actually have a real conversation, but to be demean- i can't even exaggerate on how many times i'd come home and just fall apart- but i got through it- i wanted people to see me, who i am. To see- how funny and what kind of twisted sense of humour i have- realize the copious amounts of personal traits i posses. Regardless all that, everyone only noticed the weight- i felt under valued and invisible. I'd get the ' your quirky ' comment- as thought not to say i'm funny but jut odd- thank you world!- I didn't mind that much, honestly i find family relentless comments, a lot more destructive than what a passer by would say- but in my mind, the weight was a sort of shield, it allowed me to filter out, whom really liked me, for me- who was a gracious friend, and whom understood, who i am from the inside. So when i was injured i finally got the time to  start excising again- i had a strong humble friend of mind, started telling me in a passionate way, what i needed to hear- She never made me feel less than nothing and i knew it came from a loving place-  So we began working out, little by little. No lies, i would give up so easily- i break out in a sweat within seconds and she would cheer me on, and push me to work harder. She took me by surprised, constantly  scheduling  workout times. Without her, i would have never had the start or motivation to continue on. I lost my first 25pounds on my own- No body noticed, i guessing it was because i was so big to start of with. But as i continued on, another  compassionated friend languished a different kind of workout and diet program. I, now had more friends whom cared for me- than what i looked like. This July, was my older sisters wedding- and all those family members whom laugh about me (Arun mama) and would single me out, or when ever i  sat down with a plate of food, made me feel like pig- i watched as there jaws dropped open- i watched, as they fell hushed, and the only thing i heard was murmurs and whispers- a part of me was deliriously happy and finally felt that inside of me, in par with the outside. This quickly dissolved- i've never changed who i was, i am exactly the same- i was a little demoralized. These uncles and aunts wanted to talk and  have a real conversation with me, because of how i looked- That day, i wasn't singled out or dimwitted half baked girl- i changed my size, and all of a sudden, i am valued and appreciated- As my sisters wedding progressed, i watched, all these interaction my family was having with me, and i just wanted to leave- i couldn't- i was the hostess-  i got through that night- by constantly texting a dear friend of mine. So today, i see my co workers, and they are flabbergasted at my weight lost.  To me, their reaction to seeing me, just make me feel uncomfortable- i just hide- i wave my hands like its nothing! - i've been skinny before and its so much responsiblites- i don't like comments- 'your so pretty' because a jumble of aspect instantly pop to mind- and i'm left with that feeling- why didn't you like me for me,before??? Weight is only MY mask i held up so proudly, it protected me from unwanted friendship and made me realize that there was more than that pretty face. Those whom never took the time, i have no compassion for- i have never told a young girl she is fat, or was a little less than prefect- i've always made it a point to be kindred and sweeter to them, because i know the fight they have up against them- especially in our family- where skinny pretty girls, who are married and have children are considered a "somebody". So when i hear your 'so pretty', excuse me if i barf, just a little. I'm so much more-

1 comment:

  1. Hey Ashika. I am happy to see you are blogging again :)

    I can relate to being overweight, weight loss, and keeping a mask on.

    The only time I ever purposely gained weight in my life was during an unhappy relationship. I felt like I had nothing else left in life and that void was easily filled with drug like food binges.

    Before I knew it, I was getting all these problems I couldn't believe someone at my age should have had physically. It took me a couple years but I managed to lose about 50 lbs and have been enjoying and focused on a cleaner, less stressful, and all around happier lifestyle. My driving force was that I didn't want to feel unhappy anymore. I didn't want to have to hate myself or put up smoke around my other insecurities.

    This also led into re evaluating other things in my life. Materialism was one of the glaring things I kept fighting with. I feel that everyone around me is all about keeping up with the Jones'. Whether it is fashion, cars, technology, food, or whatever image in question, it drives me crazy. I just try and focus on the most simple things in life. Like taking joy in how my body feels when I stretch. Feeling that, run through my veins. Figuring out how I feel after I eat certain things. Being happy just because there is peace in the moment. Being content that there is nothing else more needed in life than to just be. Conciousness watches, no need for sadness or fear.

    I've got more to say about masks and judging books by their cover. But I will save that for another conversation. :)