Wednesday, 5 September 2012


I've just had a dream, awoke crying- But a happy cry. I saw my brother. My sweet little brother- it was the strangest thing. I haven't seen him as much, yet again i haven't  thought of him as often- My funny brother was my humour, my heart my courage-As the years passed- and i can't believe i am actually acknowledging passage of time- i've see him less- I'm a little perplexed, because when i awoke i saw him as he's always been , strong, tall, impeccable skin and gracious humble wide smile, its infectious- you can't help but smile back- his leg muscles as strong as always, his strut and aura- was maginificanted- i saw him on the beach, running towards me with the greats smile and the sun shaun behide him. i could tell we were @ a foreign beach-  i just awoke with a cry, it was a savage cry mixed with a million emotions- i saw him smile and my heart stopped- i haven't seen him like this in forever- no trace of cancer- it was as if he never had it, full head of hair- spiked up as always- fashionable- he's always been a handsome boy- chiselled one dimple and cleft chin, all prefect- no trace of hodgkins , no sign of leukaemia skin. Just him so happy- i've missed him so- i remember thinking- oh non - its only a few seconds- something about us saying or telepathically talking about how to see each other again- my lil brother was memorized by Houdini, and how he had said to his wife he would find a way to communicate back from the other side- He had said this to all of us- i just remember him saying, communicating something about picture- and everything else is vague- i just remember waking up- happy and sad. I saw him after so long, i miss him much too much- i should asked how he was- where is he, i love him- turbulent of emotions- i just wanna see him again, soon and more often-


I'm infatuated- i've been intrigued and enchanted by a temptress- i've kept my distance in pass few years- mostly because i just didn't know how to handle it-i felt as thought…. i wasn't good enough. I still don't think i'm bright, to have  captivating conversation with her- She incredibility cultured. She can make you laugh at a whim and mesmerize you,so much so- that you'd believe the sky is really red instead of blue- She can spellbind you in a countless song from a arrant of genre and serenade any ballet in french-she simply one in a million. She stood up for me when other decide to beguile and besiege -i never knew till few years passed- She is humble and is so bold. She a has a wick streak- and doesn't allow anyone to get close to her, so she attacks and belittles- she say outrageous things- only to keep others away- i've observed her for much tooooooooo long-  But recently months, i become consumed- i can't help but know where she is , what she doing or where she's been- What makes everything worst is, we have common friends- so all the information i want is at hand-Or that fantastic bum keeps me pretty updated.  But i've also bleed- she isn't really interested in me, but a younger taller version- i can't help but wonder if my infatuation intensified,cause of it. - Yep, i'm a tad strange- i was actually having a riveting conversation with a common friend- where i just can't help but gush and squeal, when her name is brought up, and we seem to always have the similar personal problems- and that,makes me smile. She's almost a kindred spirit, but she clueless-  She also into astrology- which is the downfall- in her conviction,  our signs do not match- and ALSO the fact she interested in  some else-( i have to continually remind myself that- because if i don't i start to day dream- and that not wise-) My friend last night was about to tell me bad news, i could tell- we were talking about  my temptress and she know, even if i can't admit it-- She began by saying i don't think- and i had to cut the conversation short and bid goodnight- I guess a massive disillusional part of me, is enjoying, this secret crush. I love the butterflies and rosy coloured outlook i have- i have a lighter step and can't help but smile- she makes me feel invincible- and i like that feeling- call me naive and selfish, its ok- i enjoy being this way-  I'm not ready yet. To have that rug pulled out of my feet. Bu, because i am that practical person-  i've started to mentally prepare myself- i gotta get myself in a relationship soon- cause this cozy feeling i have- isn't  suppose to last as long as it has-  and i'd rather have the true genuine emotions- then this, very besot tantalizing, obsession - i say this with the sweetest and mysterious smile- i can't help it LOL- she dazzles and bewitches me

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Pretty Girls

i hate this one statement- ' your so pretty. Why don't  you find a husband and get married" What the Fuck- is my reaction- ok, listen- yes i'm pretty- i get it, but that doesn't defined me-  growing up, i always had a comment made about how i look- i don't mean to sound shallow, but i know. Well i am not the prettiest girl, i am just normal. I have a few great features and besides all that, i am not that indefinable rare beauty- i'm normal pretty-The point is, i couldn't care less- Every family gathering i'd get these stupid comments- I hate it- My brother always made it a point to never bring it up, he always told me i was smart ,very tactful or funny.He'd give me multiude of different compliments, ranging on the all my endearing facades.   Compliments, yes, but nothing to do with my looks- As i grew older, i noticed how, my aunts would douse my cousins with compliments on how pretty they- As i've watched my cousins grow, they seems so superficial- they believe they are truly gorgeous - what they fail to realize is beauty isn't your looks but who you are- it has nothing to do with how  prefect or well a outfit is put together. They walk about with a princess air and prance in their steps. Disillusioned, thinking everyone is under their spell - What is absent from there gaze, is the countless laughter or hackle, that go, unnoticed.My opinion is to never tell a young girl, they are pretty, the rest of the world will,in due time- Girls have a ridiculous hard time, realizing that they are funny and oblivious in realizing that they are made up of so many more magnitude of personal traits- But as a society, we tend to concentrate on what's flesh- how much skin can be shown in one outfit, act like a little bimbo and have all the undue attention you want- Have you actually sat down and counted how many commercials there are of scandalous clad young women?Whom are  used to sell a product or a service- from beer to shoes-anything or everything. Girls, women are constantly bombarded with the thought of being pretty will make them popularity or full fill any desires they crave. As i got older, i hated these comments, so i gained a bit of weight- funny thing is i never thought it would get out of control- but it did- So now all those comments i got and hated fluctuated from 'you so pretty ' to you have  "a pretty face"! i think its funny- i use to get lustful look when i would wait at the bus stop, from  young and old men- but that stopped- i was secretly loving it- my family made me feel shameless about the weight gain- in there eyes i was no longer worth the time to actually have a real conversation, but to be demean- i can't even exaggerate on how many times i'd come home and just fall apart- but i got through it- i wanted people to see me, who i am. To see- how funny and what kind of twisted sense of humour i have- realize the copious amounts of personal traits i posses. Regardless all that, everyone only noticed the weight- i felt under valued and invisible. I'd get the ' your quirky ' comment- as thought not to say i'm funny but jut odd- thank you world!- I didn't mind that much, honestly i find family relentless comments, a lot more destructive than what a passer by would say- but in my mind, the weight was a sort of shield, it allowed me to filter out, whom really liked me, for me- who was a gracious friend, and whom understood, who i am from the inside. So when i was injured i finally got the time to  start excising again- i had a strong humble friend of mind, started telling me in a passionate way, what i needed to hear- She never made me feel less than nothing and i knew it came from a loving place-  So we began working out, little by little. No lies, i would give up so easily- i break out in a sweat within seconds and she would cheer me on, and push me to work harder. She took me by surprised, constantly  scheduling  workout times. Without her, i would have never had the start or motivation to continue on. I lost my first 25pounds on my own- No body noticed, i guessing it was because i was so big to start of with. But as i continued on, another  compassionated friend languished a different kind of workout and diet program. I, now had more friends whom cared for me- than what i looked like. This July, was my older sisters wedding- and all those family members whom laugh about me (Arun mama) and would single me out, or when ever i  sat down with a plate of food, made me feel like pig- i watched as there jaws dropped open- i watched, as they fell hushed, and the only thing i heard was murmurs and whispers- a part of me was deliriously happy and finally felt that inside of me, in par with the outside. This quickly dissolved- i've never changed who i was, i am exactly the same- i was a little demoralized. These uncles and aunts wanted to talk and  have a real conversation with me, because of how i looked- That day, i wasn't singled out or dimwitted half baked girl- i changed my size, and all of a sudden, i am valued and appreciated- As my sisters wedding progressed, i watched, all these interaction my family was having with me, and i just wanted to leave- i couldn't- i was the hostess-  i got through that night- by constantly texting a dear friend of mine. So today, i see my co workers, and they are flabbergasted at my weight lost.  To me, their reaction to seeing me, just make me feel uncomfortable- i just hide- i wave my hands like its nothing! - i've been skinny before and its so much responsiblites- i don't like comments- 'your so pretty' because a jumble of aspect instantly pop to mind- and i'm left with that feeling- why didn't you like me for me,before??? Weight is only MY mask i held up so proudly, it protected me from unwanted friendship and made me realize that there was more than that pretty face. Those whom never took the time, i have no compassion for- i have never told a young girl she is fat, or was a little less than prefect- i've always made it a point to be kindred and sweeter to them, because i know the fight they have up against them- especially in our family- where skinny pretty girls, who are married and have children are considered a "somebody". So when i hear your 'so pretty', excuse me if i barf, just a little. I'm so much more-

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Uncharted Trail

So this is the situation- i got injured at work and have just been re-discovering- what it is to actually have a life outside of work- It's the strangest feeling- to be sleeping in you own bed every night- no hotel rooms, no 4 hrs sleep to run off to next shift to another city- no bruised, from being tossed around- no quick hello to fellow colleagues you see only in passing- 
It sure is a strange- 
i've never seen how quickly life just passed me by- just because i was busy with work- literally- i'd run home, sleep 8hrs if i was lucky- do my chores try and see my few friends, and get ready for work- disappear for a few night and be back here in toronto- and the whole cycle would start all over again- i've come to see what the other half lives like. Its such a novel idea to me- waking up and actually enjoying a really hot tempered coffee, gulping each sip and actually tasting it-unusual to have so much time, and allocating it, in any way i please-of course i alway include my physio - thought out my day- But walking the toronto streets, shopping at normal hours and not minding, the wait in line- not rushing like a manic on the highways- its just a stress free way, of enjoying life-
needless to say- i've come to enjoy my 3 months off work- only to be caged, in to doing light duties- this is where the dungeon like atmosphere- who knew- office workers made snide comments each time a crew member came to sign in- who knew, the needless decapitation of gossip that surrounded each co worker- seems like everyone is viewed with a different colour- i am sure, these comments are extended to me- my naivety bubble was busted- i happily love strolling into the office with my fellow crew members were we laugh and sign in to start our shifts, but today- i've learned the moment i or any of my colleagues walk away- damaging comments are said to whom ever is present- its sad to see that this what it comes down to- you see my whole work life has to do with this wonderful company that i came to love.My co-workers are my support, and the laughter i depend on everyday- we all become very depended on each other- because of our long hours and little outside life- when you sleep in hotels partially ever night, and hardly ever see your friends or family, work is all you have left.
So during my so called sabbatical from work- i've tried to re connect with those lost friendship or  family time- its al little difficult- so i've decided to re kindled new friendship- what a faux pas- that another treacherous trail- but i can't give up- i've decided to start really small- it hasn't lead to anyone asking me to go for coffee or  even a inviting me  to anything- but i have no where else to turn- so i am attacking this game plan head on- eventually i can accumulate a few new friends. Its just a matter of time, and a lot of luck-

Thursday, 26 January 2012

The Unwanted 

Ok, so nothing in life really works.But we all have to take chances- I always have the hardest time making friends- but i took a chance, and i made a friend-but its gone all a rye. i'm not sure if my emotions are making this worst or this is reality-- but i'm standing at the edge of oblivion.
I take a million decision which lead to a sharp turn that lead to another unmapped situation or purely different conclusion. My mild manner
 side is always titeringly making the lightest of each outcome- but my insane side always makes life events into a scenario of war- its like every trivial event turns to a sweeping wave- as a solider entering 
a barrack jumping across the traps manoeuvring over grenades and sharp shooter-What my mind thinks and what actually comes out of my mouth are 2 completely different thing- maybe i am the living breathing girl version of Jackcal and Hide- My latest detrimental escapade has landed me in some interesting hurricane weather- where i'm standing outside watching the volatile wind hitting every abstract object- as it grow increasingly closer to me- So i just found out, my closest friend, no longer wants me in her life-  KABAM- the bomb's goes off- its just like being knocked off the gold medal podium pole. She no longer wants to have any communication with me ,what so ever- imagine a media black out. Because this is exactly how i feel. Looking to watch t.v but no sounds or the pivotal HD channels to speak of-- its eerie-. She decide to freeze me out- over two months ago-. With no concrete  explanation- i tried communicating with her, last month- no answer till today She decided to send a text message 2 months later- just telling to be cordiale and professional. How is this even possible- when has she come into some neurotic conclusion to something that as happened that i have no knowledge of- i feel like the mayan civilization who evaporated in thin air- Some event has taken place- she has drawn her own postulation, and decided to throw me out like a outdated  pair of nine west pumps-how can a individual who's so dear to me one moment, decide's that you are no longer worth their time-.A diamond takes millions  of year to develop- that what friendship is- they metamorphose to rubies, emeralds and sapphires-  but in mid transformation she no longer has the interest to indulged in the after glow- my hyde personality is madding with fire and erupting lava- i feel  like yelling at the slightest sight of her- but then i will look like the madding women i am- and i'd rather be Hyde- i just want to know what was it that she thinks i've done- but as elusive as quantum energy- i don't think, i'll ever know. I've become discarded.Welcome to the world of the unwanted.