Saturday, 10 December 2011


Sometimes in life- i feel alone- todays one of those days for me- i've never really been the one who's had a ton of friends- nor have i always needed someone to be around me
i regard myself as the a independent  traveling gypsy- I never hanged around anyone too long- i've come to a realization, that best friends are a let down.
even when i was younger- i did have a best friend- Her name was Martine Vadebonnecouer. We were inseparable- i'd sleep over and she wold do the same.I grew up eating at the kitchen table- and her @ my house- even when we moved away- she would come vista me- on a hour long drive- just because she wanted to be with me- It always made me feel so special and wanted- i could count on her for ever thing- she did everything with- me- we went swimming in the public parks.She even attenated religious events with me, i've got millions of pictures of her in our family album. This friendship started when i was 5 yrs old and lasted till i was in my mid 20's. We all lived different lifes, and too many thinks changed. 
As i grew up, i don't know why but i've always had the most difficult time in just having a friend. i regard a friendship as a scared thing- Meant to be valued. Now that i am i older- i do crave the surrounding of others. This why, i am so grateful for my job- i am surrounded by 300 people everyday- they are strangers whom i get to have a pleasant conversation with- or appease when they are upset- for that 6 hr or 12 hr day- i get to form a short un attached friendship with them- they don't expect a thing from me, most of the time they see me as a nobody- but sometimes they remember the act of kindness i have inflicted upon time, or a caring words or gesture that was done.

Because of the type of work i do- i am surround by a different employee everyday- Any how this is besides the point- i work, 10 to 12 or 18 hrs a day.So basically you get to know each other pretty well.The  point is this- i have always had the hardest time making friends- i don't know if its cause of my skin colour or the way i look or just plain my character. So i cherish a friend when i actually have one- Since moving here- its been really difficult making a true friendship. Someone to talk to, or just going shopping. It taken me almost 2 yrs for people realize that i am not a snob- and so i met my best friend  at work- will so i though i did- She already had a close friend at work- but i always called her my best friend- Recently a few interesting episodes have taken place at work, and i basically was there to support and pick the pieces for this one girl who is linked to another friend and lastly to my best friend- to make it simpler- i was there for my best friend- thick and thin- when her closet friend ignored her to completely disappearing on her- That one person throws her a bone, and she ditched me- gone to get togethers and basically i'm forgotten last minute. I 'm peeved because for 10days i haven't heard a word- yes i realize this sounds like a jealous girl fight- but i think i've vested to much on my best friend thinking that one day i would actually be that to her, in turn. So it's no big surprise that -  now  even more rumours  are flying about me at work and basically it pretty petty, and i figure those who do know me, will say something- otherwise, i won't say a thing- i doubt it, if any one will be defending me. I guess the moral of my story is- never truly believe that one friend is a your best friend and looks out for you- just, be your own biggest fan. Because that the only person you can truly count on. I am sad to sad that i am closing  chapter on this because i don't like to made a fool of- and i have learned my lesson- friends at work is a vile mixtures- you never truly know when some will change on you.

Monday, 6 June 2011

what is friendship?

As the years pass and i get older, finding friends seems to be such a ambiguous concept. When i was younger, my parents help me out, to introduce me to other, and made play dates. Throughout our academic career we meet new people go to clubs and  abundance of friends seem endless. Then some of us, well me basically, started working at a very young age. I rarely went to school. I worked  odd shift, life began to taking place. Money became tight, and i knew i had to keep working. Now i am in that cycle where, i just work everyday. Once upon a time, i had a few friends. I would go to 5 a 7, which basically is a designated drinking time.Have Dinners with friends and  girls night out. But slowly, as i got older, my friends disappeared. Most got married or had long term relationship. We all know what happens when a women is head over heels over a man- she deserts all her friends! my circle of friends got smaller. I got into fight with some and  basically cut them out of my life. Then i moved away- and just kept working. I just realized how my once hand full of friends has dwindled down to just a little less than a  few. Those  i actually care about are at work- and we all have different shift and only see each other once in awhile. What i'm getting at is- today i had the weirdest conversation with, what i think is sorta of my friend- but i'm questioning it. I called to say hi.Well i was lonely here- and she started calling me" her lover"- ? now- i'm confused- cause no  way in hell she would know-  nor would i want her to know- as our conversation progressed - i just was appalled at her comments- saying that i should take care of her?? i cannot understand where any of this is coming from? i am not close to this person nor it is someone i wanna close to-  I just call her once in awhile to shoot the breeze. What ever bridge of friendship i had with this person - is quickly disappearing in a fog.  I believe in independence, i work hard for all i have acquired- i will only share it with the person i share my life with and parents. i still cannot understand how she had the audacity to even say such a thing.  I will not give her any thing i invested nor can i still comprehend these statement made. I've deleted her number and i will not be calling her, i don't care how alone i feel some times. Maybe cause this person was high, but even at that, its no excuses-  again this circle of fews is turning out very small- anyone out there in need of a friend?

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Rumours or reality

Life's a pretty odd thing. I mean we go about our daily routines and out of no where we are thrown a wrench. This is how its started for me- i work a lot, and my daily life is intertwine very closely to work. That means between montreal and toronto. So basically i have 2 sets of friends in each province that i see pretty much- weekly. So each day i see someone different that has a different perspective of me and most times i'm not even sure if they really know me. Gossip is a rampant and constant event. I just wonder if they really believe the rumours that are passed on. I mean, as we all know- society is always readily ready to hear a juicy story, i mean just look at the millions of magazines that are sold everyday. We have whole websites dedicated to following actors and watching their every move. Then these same magazine take them apart. In a smaller level, the same things happen- to each of us in our life's. Just take a look at your work environment. Someone is always talking about one or all co-workers. we are all subject to this act, in some level. Its just a little intense for some, while other escape without a lip whipping. I wish i knew how i can achieve this.So where is all this leading up to??  My life seems to be very split. This is probably the hardest thing i have to say- but it seems as thought my personal life has been brought up a few times at work. When i first started at this company- they were all curious- i get it, i was the new girl from montreal. But then as the weeks and months passed, rumours started.I got asked out on dates and i turned them all down. I just wasn't interested.That when they started to  make innuendo's. I mean i didn't help it either. I caught wind of what was being said. They were buzzing. I basically just pushed it, by my jewel and being as coy about it all. I was asked  point blank by a co worker and i tactfully walked away from answering the question. Needless to say - even in this blog i can't write it- i'm just not sure. I mean- i'm not interested in going out with anyone, i'm just not interested. But these remarks are giving a lot of attention that i'm not use too. I'm pretty much enjoying it.The rumours are a lot more exciting and fun than what going on in my real life. In a way- i sorta feel guilty, but not  so much- i believe in experience in everything. But i began this article with the over use of rumours, and i guess i'm just not sure about myself. Is it true???

Thursday, 17 March 2011


600_pickering_nuclear_plant_cp_110316_225128.jpgJapan- devastation is what pops in my mind. Things are just falling apart on that side of the earth. I mean at first it was a tsunami then earthquake and now a nuclear melt down.To think, just a few days ago we were aware of, Australia, Haiti and Chile. When this 3 mega disaster hit Japan, around the world there was a earthquake that took place in Russia. I'm sure, there are other natural earthquakes and weather related abnormalities that took place the same moment Japan was struck. We - as the mass still haven't heard about it. I'm not sure if i should be stocking up on iodine pills, buying a military issued face mask or even a emergency plan, just in case if something happens.But am i taking this much to far. Just yesterday- march 16th, our nuclear plant in Picketon Ontario, owned up to the fact that they leaked demineralized water. Isn't this just cutting it close to what can happen, or is the media just trying to cause a panic, like they did when 911?? Radiation - can it  travel far?-  would that effect us? I know for a fact, when you think life can't possibility get any worst it does. Is it just my  pessimistic side that is taking over? As i ponder this, the rain is splattering against the window.The horizon has changed to grey as I am still digesting these events.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Tick Toc

So this is the situation- i am frantically searching for a new apartment-my current one, needs to be vacated by april 1st. My beautiful apartment is spacious bright and has high ceiling. Its close to our central hub, and i have access to all major highways- which is essential for Ontario living. Problem, my co tenants. I mean i knew it was much to good to be true. Free parking everything included, ladies i mean hydro heating electricity, i can leave the lights on all day and night and never worry. Low cost living in the big city ! Such a delight. What's driving me insane, is my neighbours. Lets talk about my hermit neighbour that lives across from me. Two month after purchasing the gorgeous place, i heard the constant high pitched barking from a small maltese dog. Now lets remember that i am a worker who works 18hrs to 12hrs- day or night shifts, sleep in all sorts of hotel room- and constantly worried about bed bugs.Besides the point-if i am in montreal, and get our downtown hotel- i am sure not sleep a wink, since young adolescence coming from the USA, are overly seduced by the fact that the drinking age is 18, and they gorge ever ounce of any alcoholic beverage in sight. Meantime, exhausted i returns to my humble beautiful abode, and the moment i sleep, i hear that ever so high pitch barking! From 10 am till 7pm. I am distorted. i am angry, and am so tried that tears are rolling down my cheeks. I called my  landlord on numerous occasions. She let me know that she told him multitude times of the situation, and informed me, that after 7 months- of speaking to him, she cannot do anything about it. I was left on my  own. So i called animal services, and they asked me to call and verbally log-in complains- which i did, daily,weekly.Three months of this, they asked me to write a log,describing what i was doing when the dog was bark how it was disturbing me and what time it started and ended. Another 3 months later, i am still calling everyday and begging Animal services to come and make that dog stop barking. ( constant high pitched barks every 30 seconds - 4 to 7 barks in a row) is what i was writing- but a year and 4 months later, Animal services still hasn't gotten back to me, and i relish my 4 hrs of sleep i get at my hotel rooms, or the 2hrs of sleep i get in this messed up building. I am mentally zombied out, and physically always exhausted. I still take my car to busy underground malls, park and sleep for an hour or two. Its cold in the winter time and parking lot cops always look puzzling when they see a girl in a flannel blanket sleeping in the back of her car. So now, a year and a few month down the line, dark circles apart of my new Beauté. So i decided in a fit of insanity to give my 2 month notice. Today 26 days to my eviction, i am regretting it. For the same price, of what i am paying now, i can have a run down apartment in  a  complex including people doing Meth in the hallway. All part of the ambiance. Lets not forget the paper thin walls, providing continuance audible entertainment.Tick toc, the days are slipping, and i'm panicked.... 

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Escaped life: A cafe

Escaped life: A cafe: " Walking down busy kitschy street, i notice one of those trendy cafes.The ones that try hard not to look overly commercialized wi..."

Friday, 4 March 2011

A cafe

 Walking down busy kitschy street, i notice  one of those trendy cafes.The ones that try hard not to look overly commercialized with gothic architecture and  high ceiling. I am curiously attracted too. As i walk towards the main entrance i see posh leathered upholstered seats with a array of interesting patron's, dusted a bouts. I don't know why, but each time i am in a new place i get nervous, and incredibly self consicous . My throat closes in. I see the counter, with the barista ready to take my order. i look around, to survey the rest of the place, and taking note that there is a seat close to the left of the room. Walls are covered with various art, i make a mental note, to have a better look later. As a vixen you think i would take control of the room and make a enthralling comment to the barista , take my cafe and continue a conversation with the stranger next to me. Far from it. I barely can order my mochacinno, and scurry to wait for them to prepare my drink. Someone else walks in to the cafe. My attention is captured within seconds. Does this person realize how good looking they are?? Omg _ i'm ogling-not good. The only way out of this, is to walk away without any other...ooops too late, my laptop bag, gets caught on a lavish wooden chair which i've now dragged. To make matters worst, a loud screeching sound is produced by my clumsiness, and needless to say- eyes on me. Not the way i wanted to be noticed. I am red faced, and looking to just escape this trendy gothic cafe. Obviously i cannot leave, i've got a ceramic cup. I'd be stealing a cup- and it could lead to more embarssement. So i've now taken a seat. I just lost all courage to look up or even talk to the other patrons in the cafe. I quickly sip my mocha and rush out. This isn't how a real vixen would act- she would have controlled the situation and at least make a hilarious joke. But i, was mortified. In my mind a huge neon sign went off,  blinking- "get out of here". Which put me into military mode, make a quick and swift escape.  Ta-Daum! i am a foolish dork.Lesson, i've learned, even with all my years of experiences as a adult, i still cannot pull of a cool entrance.    

Thursday, 3 March 2011

what happened?.

So this is my first blog- and I'm unsure about everything that has happened in life.
i look younger than i look, and hence get judged or overlooked,be it for a potential date  to a better job.
lets start with that, i work in a position that i never thought i would do- its basically the same thing i did when i first began working at fifteen - drum role please- its customer service-
this from a feminist and loud mouth that aways dreamed of being a marine biologist. Today i am looking for a way out of this endless circle- of being pushed and basically unsatisfied in my position. My job allows me to travel- from one end of province to the next.The down fall is the long hours, the short hours of sleep , if that, decent sleep, is rare, and i work everyday-having a real life and friends is ambiguous concept. The endless ruddiness, of everyday people, is taking its toll. However there are days where everything goes the way it should, in a  amicable atmosphere. Lately i feel its more negative. My job is my only source of income. I no longer have a formal education- i think i am considered a dinosaur. I cannot understand how i let this life escape and slip throughout my fingers.I still don't have enough money to go back to school. Barely enough to live, on what i make. The last 3 years have been a blur, and i just wish i had a confidence in myself.When did i fall apart? i watch young students going to university class,  and wonder how many of them will actually make it. So what happens next ??